(I guess I needed the break from thinking about what to blog and how my blogs would be received...)
I spent the weekend at the Pyramid Life Center near Paradox, NY. A beautiful, simple, natural retreat center in the Adirondacks. I was there for a men's retreat organized by John Daubney (www.johndaubney.com) who has been leading these retreats for men for 19 years. They are a time and place for men to be real, express emotion, explore what's happening in their lives, have spiritual experiences, and experience something different/sacred. It was a mix of men, I was the youngest, and the common denominator is that most of the men involved are in recovery.
If you are not familiar with the phrase "in recovery," it is not that these men are currently using, or have abused substances recently, but they have been brought out of addition through a 12 Step program. Most of the men at the retreat (17 of us) have not had a drink or used drugs for over a decade - but they realize who they are and that they will always be "in recovery." But then again - aren't we all.
"Hello, my name is Dirk, and I'm a sinner." (but by the grace of God I'm in recovery)
I was not viewed as a pastor by the group (other than by the man who invited me). I was just a guy, invited to a retreat, hanging out with other guys. The leader and one other who had visited DRC once knew my role outside of the retreat, but they kept quiet. So I was just Dirk from Delmar. People didn't shift their language around me, didn't try for the "right" answer (this was not a place for that type of thinking anyway), and didn't probe into what it is like to be in a role which few find themselves. I could just be me...
But somewhat to my surprise - I am a pastor! In just being me, I found myself being a pastor. I am on sabbatical - so I'm not fulfilling my normal pastoral "duties," I was with people who were not looking at me as a pastor, I was away from all that is familiar, I was in spiritual environment - but it never went beyond "my higher power," but through it all, my identity within myself was that of pastor. As the weekend progressed it came out within individual conversations, but the response was never disbelief, nor was it "I knew it." It was just natural - because that is who I am now.
It is still not a clear cut notion within my mind, because Dirk as a pastor is different than the stereotypical "man of the cloth," but even detached from my congregation, it is still my internal identity. I think this is the most significant gift of my sabbatical so far. I have been feeling it through the struggles of seeking to separate my church life from my personal life for three months, but my weekend with John, Scott, David, Paul, Steve, Dave, John, Brian, Zenek, Chris, Anthony, Andy, Mike, Paul, Dale, and Tom helped show me what God is growing within me.
